Dear Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dear Mrs. Rodham-Clinton,

I went and got your book the day it came out. It brought back a lot of suppressed emotions; anger, sadness. While reading I realized, I owe you an apology.  I have been a fan since I can remember.  It didn't start off as a strong, dedicated stance. I just liked you.  I was very young when you were our first lady, but I remember how stable and poised you were throughout it all.  The 2008 election was my first election as a voter. I turned 18 in October and made sure to be registered to vote. It was exciting! Confession: I voted for Obama. It was not a decision I came to lightly, and truth be told, my young, 18 year old self was semi influenced by a few adults around me who were all about President Obama. I don't regret that vote, but a part of my heart hurt. I was left wondering, when will I see a woman President?

2016. I was jazzed. I voted for you in the primary. I voted for you for President. But, what I didn't do was have your back. As you know, it was nasty out there and the Bernie Bros were in full force across all of my social media platforms. The thing is,  I'm not good with confrontation and even though I knew WHY I was voting for you (women's rights, healthcare, global warming, international affairs etc), and WHY you were the best, most (overly) qualified for the job, I didn't feel comfortable battling it out on the internet with people who didn't feel the same. I should have. Because nothing worth having comes without discomfort.  Would my being vocal have changed their mind? Who knows. But you were continually in the trenches, fighting for us, why couldn't I repay the favor? I voted, sure. But I didn't call. I didn't knock on doors. I didn't defend you like I should have.

I owe you an apology. I am so sorry.  

The morning of the election I texted my friend saying "Tonight we will have our first female President!" I'm not an emotional person. I rarely cry.  But the night of the election, when the votes started rolling in, and I realized what was happening, my heart broke.  I cried. I bawled. I woke up at 3 AM, realized what had happened and cried again. I cried in the morning. I was in mourning. My heart will forever be broken for you, for women, for minorities and for this country. You deserved more. You deserved better. 

I should have done more. I should have used the privilege I have to call swing states, (I didn't even know that was an option on your website! Where was I for 2 years!?!), to knock on doors, to do what I could to educate those who were on the fence or who were still in their feelings about Bernie to get it together and WAKE UP. But I didn't. At least not to a level that I feel satisfied with.

Confession: I am partly writing this letter for me. Writing is my vice. It keeps me calm, it's the best platform for me to get my thoughts out in a way that makes sense and makes me feel in control of what I'm saying. I truly do want to apologize. For not fighting harder for you; I won't let that happen again. Thank you for your service. Thank you for running, Thank you for being you.  You are wonderful, and I hope to be lucky enough to meet you one day. 

Forever my best,

Courtney Kittel